Another year older, another year wiser.
Sort of. When I was younger, a 24 year old person was a fully-fledged adult with responsibilities, knowledge of taxes, a home-owner, a parent, a professional. At 24, I am of course none of the aforementioned. It seems as though I'm trapped in the body of an adult with the mentality of a 16 year-old. Perhaps, mentally, we never really grow up, but I suppose there have been some changes. 1. You're surprised you still get spots. You thought you'd outgrow them after puberty, but no. It seems unfair to be using anti-wrinkle cream AND spot-fighting ointments (also, ointments. What a great word). 2. At some point, you kind of grow out of that 'high school stage'. You really don't care about people liking you or that your circle of friends is small. Gone are the days of attempting to be 'trendy'. You're all about the comfort now. You shop solely based on how soft things are. It's a way of life now. Embrace it. 3. If you were to audition for the X Factor prior to series 7, you'd only have one year left to audition before being cast into the Overs category. Which, in layman terms, means the music industry deems you old. 4. Speaking of old, you're roughly 6 years older than most of the teen-boppers on a night out. Also, you can now refer to said-teen-boppers as such because you're older now, and you can look back with fond recollection at your youth. Being ID'd is the highlight of your night. Nay, year. Nay, life. 5. Your metabolism just isn't what it used to be. It sucks. 6. You've finally found 'your drink'. Because you've been drinking for so long, you've probably worked out what tastes the best, gives you the best buzz and the least amount of hangover. And shocker, the answer isn't the £4 litre bottle of cider you thought was the best thing since sliced bread when you were younger. All in all, I think what I'm most surprised about is that I don't feel old but I definitely feel older, if that makes any sense at all. I feel as though 24 marks a new era, a new age group, and one that I'm just not mentally prepared for. And in just one year, I'll turn 25. A quarter of a century old. I'll have already lived 25% of my life, presuming I make it to 100. That's a scary thought. I don't feel mature enough to have ploughed through a quarter of my life already. Perhaps I'll grow up next year. Maybe.
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Disclaimer: Other brands of Ibuprofen are also available (this was just the best picture I could find on Google). I have to admit, I froze up a little to talk about such a 'taboo' subject. The P word sends us all into mental breakdown, but it's something that women all over the world are dealing with on a regular basis. It shouldn't be regarded as something too personal to address, and so I decided to post this after all.
I've always suffered with periods, whether that was they just weren't happening at all or I suffered so much so that I was almost rendered bed-bound. After a few tests and scans, doctors diagnosed me with Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), which is much more common than you'd think. I wrote a post a little while ago about it now, and I myself was shocked to discover that 1 in 4 women suffer from the same condition. It effects all women differently and symptoms differ from person to person, but if you're interested in finding out a little more about that, check out my post. So anyway, I started taking the contraceptive pill, Cilest, which thus far has succeeded in regulating me so I have a little more control. The only issue was that with more frequent periods came more frequent pain, heavier bleeding and all that fun stuff. I tried taking paracetamol religiously, which combated some of the cramps but did nothing for the amount of blood I was losing, which increasingly started to worry me. I used hot water bottles at night to ease the pain, tried light exercise and even tried adding healthier foods into my diet. All of these things helped ease the pain for a time, but nothing was easing up the blood loss. It wasn't until recently that a friend suggested taking Ibuprofen. The non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug works by reducing your body's production of inflammatory elements called prostaglandins. These little buggers have an impact on the blood vessels in the inner lining of the uterus and therefore can affect the amount of blood loss. Taking Ibuprofen can apparently decrease the amount of the bleeding by 20-40%, and sometimes even more for women with heavy periods. As a pain killer, it also tackles cramps and pains. At first, I didn't quite believe that anything would be of much help. I'd always likened Ibuprofen to Paracetamol and assumed that they only had pain-relieving qualities as is more commonly known. But I decided to give it a try. Low and behold, it actually worked. At times, I even stopped bleeding altogether. The important thing with Ibuprofen is to take it properly and as instructed. I had assumed that you could take it every 4 hours no problems like Paracetamol, but as it turns out, you can only take 2 pills every 6 hours and you should take them with or after food as the acidic value in the pills can destroy your stomach over a long period of consumption. If, like me, you find that you need pain killers more regularly than every 6 hours, you can also take Paracetamol at the same time to compensate. It may seem like a lot of pills but trust me, it's worth it. If you struggle with your periods, give it a try and see if it works for you cause this month, Ibuprofen has been an absolute life-saver for me. As women, I don't think we give ourselves enough credit. Our bodies can do incredible things and the modern day woman has more power than ever. Let's talk about all of the wonderfully unique things that make being a woman totally awesome and why we should appreciate ourselves a little more.
1. First of all, every single person that has ever existed on this planet was home grown in the womb of a woman. We literally create all human beings within our bodies, carry them around for nine months until we bring them into the world. The science behind the body of a woman is so complex and, let's be real, pretty mind blowing. 2. The 21st century woman has more power than ever with the right to vote, the choice to get an education and career and more opportunities than ever to be in a position of power. Even our prime minister is a woman! (I mean, she's not a GREAT example, but she still made it to the top as a woman.) There's even less judgement bestowed on women who choose a different path to the stereotypical maternal housewife, although those roles are also still supported within society. The point is that we now the choice to make that decision for ourselves and no one will think any less of us for doing so. Some women even do BOTH. That's how incredible we are. Boss-bitch Monday-Friday 9-5. Full time Mum/wife/friend/partner. 3. There's this unwritten girl code that creates a sense of unity. We should always be supporting each other and lifting each other up. We should be celebrating womanhood in all its forms. 4. We have a great platform for self expression and creativity. We are entitled to experiment with how we portray ourselves to everyone else and create an image and persona we wish to exert. We can become anything. 5. We live, on average, about 7 years longer than men. That gives us almost an extra decade to live our best lives. 6. We've got so many inspirational role models to look up to, including: Virginia Wolf, author of Mrs Dolloway in which she challenged the idea of the submissive 'perfect housewife' and influenced the feminist movement of the 1970s. Marie Curie, Nobel-prize-winning scientist, who's research into radioactivity saved a multitude of lives. Unable to attend university in her native country, Poland, due to her gender, she decided to move to Paris in order to gain an education. We now have the opportunity to progress academically if we should choose to and we shouldn't take that for granted. Amelia Earhart, the first female to fly solo across the Atlantic. Her inspirational achievements taught women across the globe to be ambitious and strive to achieve your dreams, regardless of gender. Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady of America who fought for the rights of African-American women, despite the social climate of the era, teaching women to speak up about their beliefs and support others even when others disagree. The list of inspirational women is endless. All in all, we grow humans, stage the way for creativity and still find a way to excel in our chosen fields. Being a woman is pretty awesome. So I previously posted about leaving my job behind the bar for a career in the telephone sales world. Despite being warned against the career change, I was excited for a new opportunity and to try my hand at something different. The moral of that story is that the grass isn't always greener.
I didn't wake up that morning and think; 'I'm quitting today'. I didn't sit at my desk, fire up the computer and tell myself that today was my last day in telesales. It wasn't a sudden realisation or something I had planned, but a slow, burning need to leave without me even knowing. Somehow, somewhere, I had become so unhappy in my job that I had forgotten how to appreciate anything in my life anymore. The call centre was better pay, better hours, less physically exhausting with bank holidays off and weekends free to do with as I pleased. But still I found myself so much happier working unsociable hours behind a bar. I missed the atmosphere, the people and even just getting to speak to someone's face as opposed to communicating over the phone. And so I left that job, on impulse, and have since returned to my post behind the bar. And now I work most weekends, almost every bank holiday and unsociable hours, and I'm so much happier. At first, I was worried that people would shake their heads and say 'I told you so', but the support from everyone has been amazing. No one has judged me for coming back and now, I feel as though I never left. I guess what I'm trying to say is that happiness should always come first. Money is so irrelevant if you're happy doing what you're doing. And don't be too proud to take a step back or admit you made a mistake, because living with that mistake would be so much worse. Writing a blog is kind of like standing centre stage, tapping a finger on the mic, coughing, and shuffling my speech in my hands.
The greatest fear is that no one will care what I have to say and the room will empty, one by one, until I have an entire room of empty seats and a scattering of abandoned programs. I can almost hear the tumbleweed drifting across the stage, disturbing the deadly silence. But greater than that is the fear that people may actually listen and I am left completely exposed. I was completely and utterly engorged in season 1 of the Netflix original series 13 Reasons Why, and now the second series has been released, following the trial of the Baker family versus The School. The sequel received a lot of negative backlash in the media for its graphic scenes and depiction of mental health, but I’d like to share with you 13 reasons why the show didn’t deserve such a reputation.
1. The second series seeks to bring Bryce Walker to justice for the raping of Hannah Baker, Jessica, Chloe and a number of potential unnamed faces. Bryce is depicted as a ‘good guy’, ‘a popular guy’ in the eyes of his family and his team mates, but the show demonstrates how even ‘nice guys’ can commit such atrocious crimes. It broadens the stereotype of a rape culture and served as a warning to others to be cautious, even of the alleged ‘good guys’. 2. It demonstrates that it’s not just women that can be subjected to sexual abuse. During the infamous scene in the final episode of the series, it’s revealed that Tyler is subjected to sexual abuse by several members of the ‘jocks’. The scene has come under critical complaint from many viewers. Many have suggested that the scene may even be a trigger due to the graphic content, which I can understand. If you’ve watched the scene, your stomach will have turned with disgust at the very least. But I don’t believe the intention of the show was to act as a trigger. A spokesperson of the show commented that the scene was to demonstrate the horrific torture endured by many and to encourage victims to seek help. 3. It demonstrates how sexual consent should be undertaken. In season 1, Clay asks Sheri if it was okay to touch her, and in season 2, he is blatant about gaining consent from his girlfriend, Sky. Sexual consent is so important to discuss in modern day society and Clay’s concern is the perfect portrayal of making sure both parties are comfortable. 4. Hannah Baker’s parents come under a lot of backfire during the court case for not attending to their daughter more. However, the parents of Jess and Alex in particular are shown to be protective of their children, especially in the aftermath of Hannah Baker’s suicide and their own children’s traumas. The show demonstrates the unconditional love their parents have for their children and encourages others to speak out to those closest to them. 5. Zac Dempsey and Hannah Baker’s relationship is the sweetest. Although I couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed for Clay. 6. It addresses the seriousness of gun crime. During season 2, Tyler and his new friend Cyrus test out guns in a neighbours backyard and in the season finale, Tyler approaches the school in anger and armed. In today’s climate, gun crime is so relevant to address. 7. It’s one of the few shows that demonstrates a diversity between love interests. For example, Tony pursues his trainer while Courtney comes out to her gay dads, who are extremely accepting of her life choice. One resounding theme in terms of sexuality is acceptance. Although Courtney fears her preference may have a negative influence on her, she has thus far been met with love and acceptance from her loved ones. 8. It doesn’t follow stereotypes in relation to sexuality. For example, Tony’s sexually remains a mystery for most of season 1 and it’s fair to say that his character doesn’t resemble a stereotypical ‘camp’ person. The show demonstrates that sexuality doesn’t define a person or change who they are, as is the case with Courtney. 9. Mr Porter is the prime example of going above and beyond. Although he is merciless on himself for merely following protocol during his meeting with Hannah, he acts beyond his means to help and find Justin when he visits his mother and her drug dealer boyfriend. 10. It portrays a variety of family backgrounds. For example, single mum’s, divorced parents, married parents and gay parents are all represented. In modern society, it’s important to recognise all forms of family. The finale even results in the adoption of Justin into Clay’s family. 11. Alex exemplifies how a disability doesn’t stand in his way. His motivation is admirable and his relationship with Zac Dempsey, who attempts to help him build up physical strength as well as mental strength, is a strong bond. 12. The message of sexual harrassment is resounding throughout and encourages others to speak out about their experiences. For example, Jess testifies against Bryce and attends a help group to talk about her story. 13. The overall message of the show is to encourage anyone with any sort of mental health problem to seek help or talk to a loved one. The show contains several challenging scenes which are extremely difficult to watch. But the message remains the same: help is available to everyone in all the right places I feel like these days, it's so much easier to choose not to eat meat. Restaurants and supermarkets have embraced us herbivores by providing a wider variety of meat-free options outside of a standard salad or pasta dish. It's even become a bit of a trend in the dieting world (although that's definitely not the reason I became a veggie) with claims that by cutting out the likes of red meat especially and replacing it with protein-filled, vegetarian-friendly choices, it can help you lose weight but maintain strength.
Now I'm not here to persuade you all to go green. I understand the lure of a decent bacon butty or a well-cooked steak; it's just not for me. When asked why I chose to cut out meat entirely, I struggle to concoct a definitive answer, so I decided to attempt to explain it here as best as I could. As a child, I never enjoyed the classic kind of meat you find on your roast dinner. Beef, turkey, lamb chops. From a very early age, I boycotted butcher-style meat for the plain and simple reason that I just didn't like it. The texture felt alien in my mouth and the flavours just weren't something I enjoyed. But of course, as a child, I had little say in my dietary requirements, and so whilst my parents eventually admitted defeat with classic cut meats, they still tried their luck with processed meats; the kind that you can't actually tell is meat to look at. I'm talking about the likes of battered chicken nuggets, sausage rolls wrapped in pastry and turkey dinosaurs baked in a layer or bread-crumbs. I can imagine how frustrating it must have been to be a parent of three and having to deal with one individual who wanted to eat something different at dinner time and so I can't blame them for testing my taste buds. Every seven years in particular, (when apparently your taste buds change - or perhaps that was a myth created by my familiar to get me to try something different) I'd be encouraged to try something different because 'I just might like it'. I never did develop a likening for meat. In fact, as the years went on, I discovered I liked all kinds of meat less and less. The defining point came in year 7 P.S.E when we were shown a documentary about a sausage factory. Now I was never naïve as to where the meat I consumed came from, but watching an entire pigs head being stuffed into a blender turned my stomach forever. For meat eaters, that image would never have digressed them from what they liked to eat, but with my temperamental relationship with meat, it was enough to put me off for good and I never looked back. Back then, it seemed so much more difficult to find a vegetarian option in a restaurant, in the supermarket or even at the local McDonald's. Perhaps I just didn't look hard enough or was unwilling to try something meat-free but different. But it seems it has only been a recent revelation, for me at least, to experiment with the likes of butternut squash, quinoa, kidney beans and other lesser-known fruit, veg and pulses. Prior to that, I had found vegetarian dishes to be extremely carb-heavy or just plain veg. In recent years, I've discovered more of a balance with my diet. I'm much more willing to try something new (unless it contains mushrooms cause, ew) and since rediscovered a love for food I never found with meat dishes. So I guess you could say that perhaps I was influenced by that year 7 video, or perhaps it was just something I knew I didn't like from the off. It's probably a combination of both. It doesn't bother me to be sat at a dinner table with someone tucking into a big juicy steak and, although I might squirm a little, I can manage to cook meat for other people. I just know it's something I don't enjoy but I don't have to dictate to other people or try to influence their diet, much like I wouldn't allow anyone to force meat upon me. It's a life choice very personal to us all and something we should be allowed to discover on our own. I'm not going to be signing any petitions to save the cows, but that doesn't mean I want to eat one. So I guess that's everything in a nut-shell (or a meat-shell, depending on your preference). I think it's important to try new things, and if you don't want to try it a second time, at least you've learnt what to avoid. (If my 2007 Mum was reading this now, she'd laugh and say it couldn't possibly be me saying this - I really was a stubborn git). And if you find you do want to try it again, you've expanded your diet and found something you can add to your weekly shop: winner winner, whatever-your-preference dinner. Now I must firstly state that I am no film critic and I'm certainly no expert. But I can certainly tell when a story moves me and inspires me.
The highly-rated film The Greatest Showman hit the big screens and has left an impact on so many of us, not just for the big names starring in the film (including one hugely talented Hugh Jackman - who knew he could sing?!) or even for the drama-filled plotline. For me, the thing I'll remember about this film that classic feel-good euphoria we best associate with the likes of It's A Wonderful Life or Dirty Dancing. It's about more than just feeling motivated to have the courage to play out our biggest ambitions. For me, the film's underlining theme of equality struck me as the realest. Whilst some may argue that to exploit unique characters is to make fun of minorities and segregate them from society, I can't help but admire the intentions behind Mr Barnum's actions in the film. He stands on stage as equals to the supposed outcasts of society, and by exhibiting their talents, exclaims that he wishes to teach society to love them for their quirks. It was a message that truly hit home with me and one that I live by. Being different doesn't make you weird. Having a quirk doesn't mean you are an outcast. Being unique is not something to be viewed as a negative. If you haven't yet been to see the ultimate feel-good movie of the year, I'd get yourself down to the nearest cinema for the best confidence boost and inspiring tale you're sure to fall in love with. And if that's not enough, the soundtrack is great. I'm humming along as I type. I'm not gonna lie, I don't know much about guns. I've never held one, never heard one and never had one pointing in my direction. In fact, outside of a military exhibition in a museum, I've never even seen one. Perhaps it would be a different story if I was living in America.
Much like my gun knowledge, my stats knowledge lacks too. I don't know how many people have access to them, how many crimes have been committed or the legislature surrounding them around the globe. But despite this, I have formed an opinion on the licensing of guns. I was recently left distraught by the news of a former student returning to his school in Florida to gun down students, teachers and anyone else that crossed his path. The disaster caused an uproar across the internet. Some blamed the travesty on the perpetrators mental illness whilst others stood firm in their beliefs that easy access to weaponry allowed the boy to commit his crimes. Others stated that they believed that teachers should be armed to defend themselves and their pupils against such attacks whilst the opposition claimed that doing so would do little to protect the innocent. Where do I stand on the matter? In that particular instance, I can recognise that there are mentally unstable individuals in society that have destructive urges. I can also see that there are also terrorists with a set agenda and violent nature. Male or female, stable or not, agenda or not, I believe that if we remove access to the weapons that allow these people to carry out such tragedies then we restrict the damage to the lives of innocent people. It is about mental instability, it is about terrorism, it is about destruction, but what it all comes down to is removing the MEANS that allows these people to destroy lives. I think of it like I think of nuclear warfare. All the powerful agents have this destructive tool at their disposure by means of defence, attack or otherwise. But why is it we need this weaponry? If we removed all forms of it then there would be no cause to house it and threaten our enemies with its power. The key to reducing gun crime is surely to remove the nucleus of the problem: the gun itself. Of course, we can't eliminate the individuals amongst us with the desire to damage, and it would be near-on impossible to remove all tools capable of inflicting injury. But surely if we limit what we can, restrict access to what is unnecessary in society, then we are sure to have an impact on the negative outcomes. Guns have become somewhat of a culture in certain places around the world and have become almost normalised to a number of demographics. Something so dangerous has become a part of every day lives and now, I fear there's no going back. Hi. Hello. How are we? It's been a while.
I guess you could say my absence was due to busyness, preoccupation or just general laziness. Either way, I decided to write this post as closure to something important. So I had a cleanse, both physically and mentally, by deleting toxic people from my life on all platforms. Honestly? It's the best thing I've done in years. I don't speak out much about this kind of thing. Most of the time I wouldn't know what to say or where to begin. I guess all that really matters is the message. I'm not a big believer in the saying; 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. What's the point in surrounding yourself with people that make you miserable? These people exist in all forms, from friends to lovers, family members to enemies. Fortunately in this case, it was not too difficult to say goodbye to an enemy. To delete them from my existence. I'd like to note here that I had no intention of holding a grudge. In fact, all grudges I held were diminished years ago. I'm not that person. I don't want to see the bad in you. I don't want to feel the need to avoid someone. Unfortunately, not all people feel the same and like to continue with a grudge, however undeserved. Who even knows why. Jealousy? Superiority? Or just for something to do? The moaners in this life will never break free from their own spite, and that is unfortunate for them. For this reason, I decided to clear my space of all things relating to them. No more social media connections, no more means of communication. As far as I'm concerned, this problem no longer exists. You can no longer check up on me for whatever sad, self-assuring reason you think you do it for. I'm free from that. If for some reason you have found yourself reading this, know that I don't hate you. I don't like you. I don't anything you. I'm past it. And I really hope that one day, you are too. Closure to this problem has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Mental cleansing is essential from time to time. Free your mind of negative thoughts, negative opinions and negative people and watch a new era of positivity take over your life. Until next time. What's new in the year of 2018?
Friends was finally added onto Netflix. The Incredibles 2 is set to be released in June and the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is sure to bring us yet another bank holiday in May. The Winter Olympics will be taking place in PyeongChang, South Korea in February and allegedly, starting in May, super fans will be able to take diving trips to the wreckage site of the infamous Titanic. We're expecting a new royal baby, courtesy of one Prince William and Duchess Catherine in April and the American company Moon Express is set to begin further landings on the moon. Oh, and I got a new job! Whilst all that other stuff is exciting, the biggest achievement for me this year so far has been getting a new job. I started in Hoylake Lights as a Saturday girl, sacrificing weekends for pocket money and, 7 years later, I've finally taken the plunge to kick-start a new career. The new job is in telesales for a publishing company and, whilst it's not exactly what I'm after long term, it does provide me with greater opportunities to progress in publishing, which is exactly where I want to be. 2018 is going to be the year of opportunity. I've already pre-determined this in my own mind. Perhaps it's the optimistic spirit that's inevitably bestowed upon us in new beginnings but I've started the year off positively. Whilst it's true that I have doubts about the alleged 'New Year Spirit', I'm definitely starting my year off on the right foot. The streets are lined with fairy lights, each front window revealing elaborate Christmas trees and festive decorations. The smell of mulled cider and frost is in the air and an all-round sense of well-being and celebration has overcome us all. I'm talking, of course, about the festive period in which we take the time to indulge in traditions, make time for family we rarely get to see and celebrate the holidays with plenty of food, wine and presents.
Working in a pub, this festive period becomes a time when the people that rarely go out for a drink are suddenly the life and soul of the Christmas party. We often get tipped well, work harder and sacrifice parts of our holidays to be behind a bar serving the people that have managed to find a job that inhibits a two-week leave to celebrate the holidays. 9 times out of 10, the atmosphere of the pub is more electric and buzzing with positivity. People sport their best and worst Christmas jumpers and, to put it in layman terms, are generally just more up for a laugh. However, the 1% of people out there like to use this time to remind us that we are working during the festive period and that they, the supposed superior, have been allocated the time off. They ask questions such as "Why do you even work here?", "Surely you're better than this?" and, my person favourite, "Working much over the holidays?" To which I politely reply: "To make money. Why yes, I probably am. And yes. All of it". There is also the small percentage of people that like to treat us like servants and indeed ask many irrational questions as though to test our knowledge. For example, a customer recently asked for a bottle of Corona and as I presented the bottle, FROM THE FRIDGE, the customer then sneered and asked me to "make sure it's a cold one next time", as though the bottle hadn't been stored in a monitored fridge for at least 24 hours. I guess the point of my story is to remind you fellow members of the public to appreciate the staff giving up parts of their Christmas, whether that be in retail or customer service, and treat them with a little more respect. So the day finally came for me and Moll to move away from home. Not too far mind. I still need a backup bed, bath and washing machine if things go tits up.
Having said that, so far I'm enjoying the freedom. There's something so satisfying about choosing the colour schemes and accessories for each room, decorating as you wish and putting things exactly where you want them to be, not where they just always are. You get a sense of ownership, even in rented accommodation, that you just don't get whilst living at home. Sure, home will always have a special place in my heart and will always be the place I can go back to, the place where I feel comfortable to be myself. But nothing quite compares to having your own space and doing with said space whatever the hell you want. I even enjoy selecting my own shampoos, conditioners and shower gels instead of just using whatever's on the shelf. Is it sad to enjoy shopping for the necessities and scouring the isles for cleaning products, fabric softener and clothes hangers? Who knew such small things could bring such happiness. What I love most about our new flat is the mere 4 minute walk to work. 4 damn minutes. I can literally roll out of bed half an hour before a shift and be on time. Absolute bliss. The beach is only 2 minutes away, meaning I'm minutes away from the perfect sunset, and everything else is just so accessible. Having always lived in the suburbs with even the closest corner shop being a good 10 minute walk away, being so central is refreshing. Fiona the Flat looks set to be our home for the foreseeable future and she's already starting to feel like ours. Our little corner of the Earth in which to keep our belongings and make more memories. Is it true that everyone has had their heart broken at least once before? Do we all have that one person that destroyed us for a time, betrayed our trust and our love? Perhaps there are two types of people: the heart breakers and the broken hearted. But I think that it would be unfair to brand someone so singularly. I guess we could have been both.
I write this now as I ponder the topic of broken hearts as I am surrounded by them and think back to a time when I too had been left destroyed, shattered into fragments of my former self with no sense of identity, worth or place. Before I was old enough to even think about love and relationships, I looked to my parents who divorced when I was 4. I guess I never really had the role models to show me what love was and to teach me how to commit to another person. Perhaps for that reason, I had my guard up from day one, with everybody I met. Friends, family, colleagues, boyfriends. I didn't trust anybody to stick around. I know this was unfair of me. Despite the divorce, both parents have always been devoted to my siblings and I and not a day passes that I doubt their love for us, but in the back of mind, I always had this niggling voice telling me that commitment doesn't always last and that one day, everything could change. Before my current boyfriend, I only ever surrendered myself once to another person, full-heartedly and entirely, which as luck would have it, is the beginning of the story of how I got my heart broken. From then on, I never wanted to let anyone have the power to destroy me like that again. I would never allow anyone in far enough to do that. I guess in some obscured way I blamed myself for a lapse in judgement when perhaps the reasoning was far more to do with the individual than it was to do with me. I know how it feels to choke on your own tears, desperate to suppress the sobs in fear of betraying the silence. I know what it's like to paint your face with happiness, to lie to everyone you know and pretend that you're okay. I know the feeling of inadequacy and hurt like the badges of honour on a scout and I know the deep misery of feeling as though love is a myth and that I am unworthy of such a thing. Having now finally come out at the other side, I look back on these feelings and wince with a raw pain that feels as fresh as though it was yesterday, and so I sympathise with those around me that are currently going through such turmoil. There is a ray of sunshine to the story. Since being with Michael, I have been to places I have always wanted to go, laughed until my sides hurt and generally felt a sense of belonging. So perhaps all of us have been heartbroken. Maybe some of us have even been the heart breakers. But in the end, I guess the real thing is waiting for us. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even a year from now. But it exists, this sense of belonging. And I promise you, it's worth the heartache. Are we even human without our insecurities, our hang-ups and our desires to be or do better? With the augmentation of social media and the permanent prominence of perfect celebrities, it can be almost impossible to resist the urge to compare yourself to those that seem superior to you in one way or another. In reality, the girl with no cellulite is airbrushed. The boy with the six pack sacrifices time with his family for his devotion to the gym. The person achieving their dream job spent countless sleepless nights working towards their goal. What we see on social media is only ever a reflection of someone at their best. It's rarely in those moments of self-doubt and anxiety that we portray ourselves, but it is the moments of self-achievement that we wish to share. Like anything else, social media has its pros and cons. The likes of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter allow us to connect with just about anybody. According to zephoria.com, there are over 2 billion of us (out of a worldwide total population of approximately 7.5 billion) on Facebook alone with 1.15 billion of us being daily addicts. 50% of users aged 18-24 flick through Facebook as soon as they wake up, seemingly replacing the ritual of reading the morning paper in young people. There are allegedly an average of 5 new profiles created every second and an estimated 300 million photo uploads per day. What can we take from all these numbers? Social media is at the heart of society and as such, has the power to influence. This power is great news for businesses looking to promote their products or services, excellent for maintaining communication with people you may otherwise have difficulty connecting with and the number one way to meet new people in modern day society. However, is there an element of social media that can have a negative impact on society? We seem to correlate the amount of likes we receive on a post with happiness, but a million likes mean nothing if you don't like yourself. Social media has become responsible for our self-confidence and self-worth. 30-Day Social Media Detoxes have become a bit of a trend with so many recording their findings. For example, https://jasondoesstuff.com/social-media-detox-recap/ states in his conclusion that: "We all care what people think of us. We all want to feel accepted. We all want to feel liked. Social media multiplies those thoughts and feelings without us even realizing it. It’s not healthy to always be under the knife of criticism. In a digital world we need a break from having our lives judged and commented on (often times by complete strangers who we don’t align with)." He also reported to having increased levels of productivity, a prolonged attention span and a clarity of thought after living without social media for 30 days. After the detox, he reported that he would not cut social media out of his life completely, although he would be limiting and controlling his usage in the future.
Now I'm not saying that we should all boycott social media entirely. The benefits of the likes of Facebook are undisputable, but the time we devote to scrolling down our news feeds can have a massive impact on how we think. I'd also like to add that it's okay to be yourself and portray that on your social media platforms. We don't all have to be perfectly airbrushed diplomats that please every single person with our posts and pictures. Being yourself is what makes us unique as opposed to forming an army of clone-like social media robots that in the end, start to resemble one another on so many different levels. I know I myself am guilty of being wary of the things that I post and carefully selecting the photos I wish to share. It's human nature to want to portray the best versions of ourselves. But in a way, I like to use this blog as a way of portraying the real me, behind all the social media posts designed to keep people happy. I would like to dedicate this post to being unashamedly me, and to being unashamedly you. I had honestly started to accept that I would be living at home forever, having been previously unable to afford to move out. I had always assumed that renting was dead money and saving for a deposit on a house with a mortgage was proving to be even more difficult, until we stumbled across a gem. Located just five minutes from work, my sister and I will actually be SAVING money by moving out!
I've found myself browsing for things like toasters and kettles: things that ordinarily would not excite me. But now I find myself steering towards the home ware section, scouting the web for nick knacks and essentials for our new home. I'm still in the process of saving for a mortgage with Mike, but for now, living with my sister is a good way for us both to save a bit of money before the next steps in our future. Moll is looking to go travelling next year and we both recognise that the move won't be permanent, which works just perfectly for us both. Change scares me and something this drastic is ultimately petrifying, but then I think that if I just played everything safe then I would be missing out on some great opportunities. Of course I'll miss the comforts of my own home and my Mum, but I think it's about time this 22 year old child grew up and started taking some responsibility for her own life. To the future. Resting Bitch Face A phenomenon in which the resting face lacks animation and appears to look bitchy at all times, thus leading people to believe a person must be upset, a snob or a bitch. - The Urban Dictionary www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=resting%20bitch%20face When asked what people's first impression of me was, most people say that I look like a snob and am surprised to find that I'm actually not. "What makes you think that?" I ask.
"I don't know," they say, "you kinda have a resting bitch face". If, like me, you're cursed with the Resting Bitch Face (which shall henceforth be referred to as RBF), then you'll understand how people often think you lack emotion. In my head, I'm a smiling idiot that seems friendly, but according to everyone else, I seem a little distant at first, until you get to know me. I CAN'T HELP IT. IT'S JUST MY FACE. I do smile sometimes, I swear. I often used to wonder, what makes a relationship work? Is there the perfect formula for success? Are there certain rules to follow? Most psychologists will probably say that it's a combination of trust, communication and commitment, and I don't disagree. I think all three of those factors are important to maintaining a good relationship with anybody, friend or partner.
But then it occurred to me that perhaps there was something else. I had been in relationships where trust, communication and commitment had coexisted and played an important role in our functioning, but the partnership had inevitably failed despite this. So I started to wonder where we go wrong. Why do couples argue? How can we prevent ourselves from the inevitable end? And I came to one simple answer: acceptance. So why do we argue with our loved ones? Of course, exterior factors such as stress at work, tiredness and even hormones can cause arguments from nothing. But aside from those factors we have little control over, people fall out because they become annoyed by another person. Sounds simple, right? But what if there was a way to control that annoyance? I think understanding your partner plays a massive role in controlling your arguments. Understanding why someone may have said or done the act that has caused the argument could be the key to everything. As the causer of the argument or the recipient of the annoyance, you have one of two choices: you can either accept what has happened or been said and move on, or you can end things all together if you feel as though it has challenged your personal boundaries. Sometimes the decision may not be a quick reaction and you may need to take a moment to decide whether or not you can surpass the cause of the argument; whether or not you can accept it. You can't change a person, and I always thought if I could, then I wouldn't want to. Someone is clearly not meant to be in your life if you have a list as long as your arm of the things that you would change about them. Of course, no one is perfect and there will always be things that challenge your desire to retain them just as they are. But as I said, you can't change a person, and wouldn't want to, so what are you left with? Accepting them. Are there things that you can't compromise on? Does that person have those characteristics that you can't? Then they're not right for you. If you can't learn to accept someone as they are, then you are with the wrong person. But if you can accept someone unconditionally, for all of their flaws, and vice versa, then you may well just have someone worth taking a risk on. #theoryofacceptance #relationships Writers' block? Cat got your tongue? Here's a few tips to help you get back on your way to your greatest work yet. Some people have great plot ideas but struggle to get the words out on paper. Others are great with words and syntax but struggle to come up with the content. Whatever your flaw, wherever your weakness, there's always a solution to the problem. 1. Read This may sound like an obvious tip, but reading the works of others is a great way to learn how to construct, develop your own style based on influences, adopt terms and phrases and develop your own lexicon. It can broaden your knowledge of a particular subject, offer an insight into an area you plan on researching for your own piece and, above anything else, gives you an idea of what gets published. 2. Keep a journal Again, this is a pretty stereotypical tip. But how annoying is it when the perfect line comes into your mind and you have no way of recording it. The exact wording of your perfect sentence will never be reconstructed, and so having a means to record all of your random thoughts can be extremely useful. More to the point, a journal can be a point of reference for anything that may inspire you: a place you visited, a conversation overheard, the profile of a character or an action/event you lived through. Documenting details of your personal life can come in useful when writing fact or fiction as I always find it best to write about what you know or can relate to somehow. 3. Write something, anything, every day It could be a well-worded text to a friend, a love letter to your partner or a fragment of a chapter for your next work, but keeping your pen in the ink is what keeps you in the game. Practising your writing only develops your abilities as a writer so what harm can it do? 4. Get inspired Travelling, experiencing and living are always a great form of research. By experiencing the things you write about, you gain a personal sense of actually having done something as opposed to just reading about it in books or on the internet. Go to the place you are setting your book. Do the things your character does. See what your characters see. Build an authenticity that can not be disputed. 5. Anthropology This is basically a big word that justifies people watching. In order to build your own character profiles, you must have an understanding of people and where in the world your character would be placed. What outfit choices would your character make? What kind of decisions are they likely to make? Who would they befriend? All of the answers to your character questions lie within the existing population. You just have to look a little closer. 6. Characterisation The best tip I can give for creating characters is to put a piece of yourself into every individual. It could be a small personality trait or physical attribute, an insecurity, a strength or a weakness, a hobby or a pet hate. If you can relate to all of the characters and make them believable as human beings, then an audience is more likely to relate to them too. Don't be afraid to reveal flaws in your character and make them REAL. Whilst on the subject of characterisation, I should also note that all characters that appear more than once in your piece should have a part to play or an importance to the story, otherwise you're probably just rambling. Don't overcomplicate your set of characters. If a person is featured in a story then they must have a purpose. 7. Plausibility Writing about something you relate to only makes the story more believable and an audience more likely to empathise. Unless, of course, you're writing fantasy. In which case, let your imagination run wild. But even in this case, there must be an element of mutual understanding. Relate the fantasy world to the existing one, whether that is defining similarities between the two worlds or highlighting contrasts. There must always be a point of reference which an audience can identify with in order for them to relate to your words. 8. Research Sometimes, experiencing the thing you want to write about isn't possible. For example, if you're writing a piece set in World War 1, it is not possible to go back in time to live through those experiences. In these cases, extensive research can be undertaken to gain a good grasp of the era you're writing about. Books and the internet are great for facts and reading contemporary personal experiences. Documentaries and films offer visual representations which can help with the creating process and interviews with experts or people of interest are particularly helpful to gain further knowledge of life at the time. 9. Enter competitions Take all the opportunities to write and put your work out into the world by the metaphorical horns. 10. Write the novel you want to read Once you've read a multitude of books, you start to develop a sense of what is missing in the world of literature, what you want to read and, most importantly, what you want to write. "There comes a point in your life when you need to stop reading other people's books and write your own." Now I'm not a film critic or fanatic by any means. I don't know much about directors, actors or lighting, but I do know a good film when I see one.
The masses turned out for the screening of this film, some for the curiosity of seeing Harry Styles in his acting role, others for the story of such an infamous historic event. I myself fell within the latter category, having taken an interest in Dunkirk predominantly upon learning that my great grandfather, Pa Sam, played an active role in the reality of such events. Fionn Whitehead plays the leading role of 'Tommy', a British soldier stranded on the beaches of Dunkirk, searching for a way home as the enemies close in on their position. He befriends a fellow soldier, 'Gibson', played by Aneurin Barnard, and the pair form a wordless bond. At first, I found the lack of speech a little confusing until it was revealed that Gibson was in fact a French solider attempting to escape the war with the British. Whilst Tommy defends his friend, other British soldiers are quick to brand him as a coward and make the assumption that he has killed a British soldier for the uniform. Tommy remarks that it is not hard to come by a dead British soldier in Dunkirk, supporting his French friend whilst highlighting the travesties of mass murders. For me, the tale of civilians taking their ordinary boats to bring the soldiers home stole the story. There is something so overwhelmingly wonderful about the selflessness of humanity at times of need. The film reminisces the true story of 'Operation Dynamo', a fleet of around 700 civilian vessels charging across the channel to retrieve over 3380,000 troops between May 26th and June 4th 1940. Despite the threat of the German air force, the Luftwaffe, the determination and sheer courage won the lives of so many stranded at Dunkirk. It is a truly inspirational story that perfectly depicts a desperation to live and inflicts a sense of fear in us all. An absolute must-see this summer. To read more about the Little Boats, check out the Telegraph archive: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/films/0/archive-photos-operation-dynamo-real-story-behind-christopher/ #Dunkirk I know the title isn't the most imaginative thing in the world but I thought it depicted my excitement perfectly.
After three years of studying English Language with Creative Writing, I can finally say that I will be officially graduating in November (why so late Chester?) with a 2:1 Combined Honours Degree! I knew I had a lot to prove going to University. I was the first in my family to make an attempt and honestly, the pressure of falling flat on my face was a little overwhelming at times. However, I've somehow managed to persevere and made it to the end of my course in one piece (just about). To anyone that is thinking about University, I encourage you to do it for the right reasons. The pride you feel on completion of such a task is, thus far, incomparable to any other sense of self-achievement. However, does this mean that I have to stop asking for student discounts in New Look and at the cinema? Cause I'm not quite ready to give up that privilege. The group chats have been overtaken by the Love Island gossip and 9pm marks the most unsociable hour in Britain. And tonight is allegedly set to be the most explosive episode yet with Johnny marking his territory against new boy Theo and the previously solid Gabby and Marcel face their first ever challenge as a couple. There's no surprise that Olivia and Chris continue to bicker but Kem and Amber are supposedly stronger than ever after their split and brief recoupling with Nathan and Chyna, both of whom have now been evicted.
But the main question on everyone's lips is who is real and who is not? Last year we watched Nathan and Cara blossom and Olivia and Alex develop what has now become an engagement. And despite Nathan and Cara's recent split, I don't think anyone can accuse them of being fake. Gabby and Marcel have been the nation's most loved couple so far but the disappointment that followed them kissing other individuals during a game may have revealed a vital weakness. In the real world, would be so quick to kiss another person for the sake of a game or would we refuse to spare the feelings of our other halves? Montana and Alex also seem to be pretty strong so far, but again, it's early days. In tonight's episode, it is alleged that new boy Theo could be set to steal the heart of either Montana or Tyla, who has quickly become one of the nations most hated contestants for splitting up Camilla and Johnny. In hindsight, I'm glad Camilla I rid of such a control freak. Olivia and Chris have been doomed since the Mike debacle, despite how much they like each other. And as for Kem and Amber, I feel as though both of them are playing a game or are afraid of commitment. I'm excited to see where Camilla and Jamie end up following their date last night which revealed their similar personalities. Perhaps they could be the first real couple this year? Once the temperature reaches a minimum of 14 degrees in Britain, the nations strips. The British sport their tan lines with pride and compare sun burn patches that will soon develop into a golden brown. Sun cream is for the light hearted and carrot oils fly off the shelves in the hope of achieving that just-been-on-holiday glow and when people ask where you've been, you announce with pride that your tan was nurtured from the comforts of your own back garden.
However, as a member of the Caspar Society, I can only sit and envy those with olive skin and spaghetti-strap tan lines as I smother myself in factor 30 and attempt to cover every inch of exposed, transparent skin. Okay, so perhaps I am exaggerating a little. But the jealousy of the golden tan is real. Can anyone remember the last time they were sick? I mean truly sick. Not a bit of a cold or an alcohol-induced projectile vomit session that's cured with a take away and a bottle of Lucozade. A genuine stomach bug. The kind your mum used to call a 'virus' to sound polite to the school receptionist as she informed them that you would be off that day. The kind that rendered you weak and useless for an entire 24 hours, pitiful and shivering wrapped in a blanket of pity.
Well before this week, I struggled to recall the last time I was truly sick. As an adult, I had started to wonder if the myth of The Bug was just a childhood thing our immune systems had finally grown out of. Sure, there was food poison and the flu, but random bouts of sickness eluded me. Until now. I have to say I've never had such an appreciation for food. Even days after the initial sickness, you crave your usual meals but your stomach is just too sensitive to allow them back into your system just yet and lets out an unforgiving rumble at the thought of a pizza slice. Instead, I've resorted to plain old foods. Dry toast, for example, is always an old favourite. Is your mum even your mum if she doesn't offer you dry toast when you're sick? A good brew is out of the question. Milk is a questionable produce. Anything cheesy, spicy or covered in sauce is scraped in fear of a reboot of The Bug. On the plus side, perhaps this little episode is exactly what my body needs to kick start that diet I've been meaning to do since 2002. Silver linings. I'm currently in the process of reading A Quiet Kind of Thunder by Sara Barnard and I felt compelled to write a post. Not a review as such, as I'm still yet to finish the book, but an appreciation for the awareness the themes of the novel raises.
The story follows a girl names Steffi, a selective mute who also suffers from severe social anxiety. For one, I find that mental illnesses are not often represented in literature so it was a breath of fresh air to a) find that a teen novel actually identifies with issues so many people face on a daily basis, and b) actually relate to a character on a different kind of level. So many of us are subject to random bouts of anxiety and so far, this novel has done a perfect job of demonstrating that despite there sometimes being triggers, sometimes the likes of panic attacks and feeling anxious can be brought on at random. I applaud Barnard for her representation of mental illnesses in a way that so many people can identify with. In the novel, Steffi is undergoing her first year of sixth form and in order to obtain her parent's blessing to apply for university, she must prove herself and attempt to gain some confidence in her first year. When she meets Rhys, a deaf boy she learns to sign to, she is welcomed into a world of a new way of communication where not speaking seems normal. I love this book for the demonstration of everyday struggles and for the awareness is raises for those who are hard of hearing or find it difficult to communicate. In the beginning, Barnard dedicates the novel to 'the quiet ones', and so I urge you to read it, whether you can identify with the characters or know someone that will. This novel will open your eyes up to so many things that seem to come easy to so many people in a way that makes it all seem ordinary and normal. #AQuietKindOfThunder |
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